


Joanie Loves Spidey

by WonderStarLord



Category: Fantastic Four, Marvel 3490, Marvel 616, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)
Genre: Earth-3490, F/F, F/M, Female Johnny Storm, Female Tony Stark, Genderswap, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-13
Updated: 2019-03-17
Packaged: 2019-08-23 05:45:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,576
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16613051
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WonderStarLord/pseuds/WonderStarLord
Summary: Peter’s eyes had widened to comical proportions.Pepper’s perfectly painted peach lips pursed as she picked up her phone with intent to use it.Tasha jerked her head, almost a small shuddering movement. “Why is an underwear model driving my race car?”As the titles suggests …Joanie Storm loves Peter Parker.An MCU (Earth-3490ish) AU with a classic (but updated, because, sliding timescale) 616 FF foundation + random genderbending + a married but separated Natasha Stark and Steve Rogers (as per the Marvel Tropes Mandate) + Unca Bens!





	1. H.E.R.B.I.E. vs Her Girl F.R.I.D.A.Y.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As somewhat of an ode to Stan and Joan, there’s gonna be lotsa love.

**SUMMER 2017**

**THE BAXTER BUILDING | NEW YORK CITY**

Reed briskly entered his personal lab, his incredibly limber legs reaching his destination many seconds and many more metres before the rest of his body did.

“H.E.R.B.I.E.?” His inquisitive voice bounced off the sleek tile, shiny metal and hardy glass surfaces. He was confused when the lights didn’t automatically turn on.

 _“Welcome home, Dr Richar―”_ H.E.R.B.I.E.’s electronic voice was cut off sharply.

A third, unexpected voice suddenly echoed through the vast laboratory.

“‘Dr Richards.’” A pair of hands clapped loudly, punctuating the title. “God, you guys just _love_ calling yourselves _doctor_. I have _three_ doctorates. You don’t see me –”

Reed squinted into the darkness. Aside from small blinking buttons from the various mechanical inventions cluttering his lab, the only other source of light was a distinct blue glow. “ _Dr_ Stark?”

“Thank you,” Tasha Stark accepted baldly, without a speck of grace, like this was her due.

Which, to be honest, it _was_.

“Tasha, turn the lights on,” said Reed patiently.

“My, my, my. Fatherhood’s certainly mellowed you out, Doc. You’re much less demanding now.”

“ _Natasha_.”

“Fine, fine.” Reed predicted Tasha waving her hands around as she spoke next. “F.R.I.D.A.Y.?”

The lab was completely lit in an instant, and Reed’s prediction was proven. Tasha’s petite yet callused hands nimbly motioned in the air as if she were an orchestra conductor, seasoned motions easily sweeping over Reed’s lab to conduct an impromptu but doubtlessly ingenious symphony with his magnificent homemade machines.

Tasha was grinning unrepentantly. “My A.I. beats your A.I.”

Reed frowned, the crinkles between his brows like pulled taffy that had been squashed back into place. “H.E.R.B.I.E. is a Highly Engineered Robot Built for Interdimensional Exploration,” he corrected.

“Interdimensional travel? Reed, buddy, because that worked out so _well_ the last time,” said Tasha, walking up to Reed and giving him a friendly clap on the shoulder. Her hands were an awful lot stronger than they appeared at a glance.

“Still,” Reed found himself smiling, “my H.E.R.B.I.E. beats your girl F.R.I.D.A.Y.”

“What, you think you’re the smartest person in the world?”

“I don’t want to seem arrogant –”

“But?” Tasha butted in presumptuously.

“– _but_ , as far as the matter has been recorded thus far, I’m afraid I have to lean towards yes …”

She made a glib humming noise. “There’s a Disney Princess from Pride Rock who might _outstretch_ even _your_ capabilities, now, you know.”

“Shuri’s from Wakanda,” said Reed factually – although the _Lion King_ reference didn’t go over his head, thank you kindly. His wife, Sue, was a child of the nineties; his sister-in-law, Joanie, acted like she was a child; and his son, Franklin, was an actual child.

Tasha looked like she was torn between rolling her eyes and actual concern. “Self-diagnosed autism? Why do I have to be the _only_ one of us that’s _normal_?”

Reed could have snorted.

He _didn’t_.

He may not be the most _normal_ , but he liked to think that he was among the more diplomatic of their fellow “Science Bros,” as Tasha had gotten into the habit of calling them, despite herself lack of certain anatomical appendages, but that was neither here nor there. ( _“It’s a thing, pal. An official thing. Ask the kids! We have a hashtag.”)_

Reed had instead decided to specify, “A mild case of autism –”

“Oh, well, as long as it’s only _mild_.”

“– for which, I’m currently inventing a cure.”

“Better,” allowed Tasha.

“I assure you, I’m of sound mind.”

“Sure, sure.” She nodded insincerely but not unkindly. “But let’s get down to business, shall we?”

“I thought our business concluded when I stole –”

“Commandeered sounds sexier, doesn’t it?”

“– and crashed my experimental starship.”

“Can’t really commandeer something that’s yours, though, can you?” said Tasha in her classic comedic deadpan. “Don’t forget to note those _I_ ’s and _my_ ’s, children!”

Tasha wasn’t wrong. It _was_ his.

The _it_ being the _blame_.

Reed placed the blame of the entire calamity and its every consequence squarely on his shoulders, and his shoulders alone. He was the _leader_ , and therefore responsible for _everything_.

It was _his_ fault.

He deserved every ounce of guilt he felt, and then some.

“It’s yours, it’s mine, it’s ours,” continued Tasha. “I’d go with reacquisition.”

On a roll with the guilt, Reed added, “I stole that ship and acted against the express orders of –”

“My foundation,” she said, “and I’ve already forgiven you, so, bygones.”

“Tasha …”

“You’re not a kid anymore, kid.”

“You still call me a kid,” he pointed out.

“Well, hey –”

“You _just_ called me ‘kid’.”

“– it’s not like I’m gonna whack you on the nose for beating me at chess!” Tasha gave him her best shit-eating grin, adding in an undertone, “Anymore.”

She spoke as if beating her at chess was something that happened with any kind of regularity – it wasn’t. Playing multi-dimensional chess against Natasha Stark was hardly fair, even for a mind as bright and fast and forward-thinking as Reed’s.

Tasha was unmatched in her ability to multi-task whereas Reed had a tendency toward tunnel-vision in his pursuits.

“Anyway …” Tasha lowered her voice.

“Business?” said Reed.

“Yes. Business.” Tasha rubbed her hands together in anticipation. “You’re a little late to the party, but better a decade late than never, I suppose.”

“Late to what?”

“I’m here, Mr Fabulous, to talk to you about the Illuminati.”

“It’s Mr Fantastic.”

“Really? I recall you agreeing to agree with me, the agreement being you agreeing to being Fabulous.”

“We’re the Fantastic Four.”

“Not the _Fabulous_ Fantastic Four?”

“I am Mr Fantastic.”

“You don’t have to Rodham Clinton it. You could hyphenate – less confusing. Why don’t you hyphenate? Isn’t that what the hip-cats are doing nowadays?”

“No thank you.”

“Storm-Richards. Fabulous-Fantastic. Stark-Rogers …

“Steve wanted the both of us to hyphenate – did I tell you?” Tasha rambled, forcibly growing her grin, “He audited some Women’s Studies classes at NYU a few months before – you know – and he …” She stopped herself. “Kind of a moot point now.”

“Mr Fantastic,” Reed got them back on point. “No hyphen.”

“Fabulous, comma, Doctor?”

“No Fabulous, no comma, no Doctor.”

“Such a shame. Doctor Fabulous sounds so much better.”

“Fantastic.”

“Fabulous!”

“No, Tasha,” said Reed. “Sorry.”

Tasha’s crimson lips quirked. “No you’re not.”

“Not about that, no,” he concluded.

Reed Richards had a great many other things to be sorry for at this juncture.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Borrows from a lotta canon sources to patchwork something (hopefully) cohesive.  
>   
>  _Iron Man_ (2008)  
>  _Dark Reign: Fantastic Four_ #2  
>  _New Avengers_ Vol 2 #29  
>  _Fantastic Four_ Vol 3 #60  
>  _Fantastic Four: Season One_


	2. Blonde Ambition

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Work in progress, but I couldn't resist posting!

**MONACO, FOUR MONTHS EARLIER**

“Wow.”

“ _Wow_ what?” said Tasha distractedly. “What now?”

“I didn’t know your team got a new driver that’s so … so …” Peter’s eyes had widened to comical proportions.

Tasha followed Peter Parker’s dopey doe-eyed gaze to the asphalt, picking up her best friend’s pale face in her peripheral vision on the way down the packed and lively Grandstand B.

Pepper’s perfectly painted peach lips pursed as she picked up her phone with intent to use it.

Tasha blinked. Hard.

“Hey, Pep, why is there an underwear model getting into my race car?”

Said _underwear model_ blew an Old Hollywood movie star kiss towards the waiting crowd, her arm jauntily outstretched before climbing into the car, her every movement as natural as a fish taking to water.

A bird to the sky.

A _car thief_ to a _race car_.

Chequered flags were dropped. Red lights turned green.

Tasha jerked her head, almost a small shuddering movement. “Why is an underwear model _driving_ my race car?”

Pepper Potts paused, holding her phone up to her ear but not yet using it. “Tasha, we know that underwear model.”

“We do?”

“She’s not an underwear model.”

“You sure?” Tasha would have known. She had an eye for … well, she had an eye. An excellent eye, and that eye informed her that Miss Teen USA was some kind of _something_ – something shamelessly comfortable with trading in on her looks.

Tasha had an eye and she knew the type. Heck, she used to _be_ that type. She’d dated a lot of that type, too. From runway to commercial to swimsuit, she had dated a _lot_ of models. She was an equal opportunity Leonardo DiCaprio before Leonardo DiCaprio even was Leonardo DiCaprio.

“Though she has modelled for Calvin Klein –”

“See!”

“– Jeans.”

“Really?” Tasha said as she squinted, exaggerated to clearly indicate that she was trying to get a better look at Blonde Ambition. “Jeans? _Just_ the jeans?”

“Susan Storm-Richards,” said Pepper.

Tasha snorted. “ _That_ is not Sue Storm.”

If Tall, Tan and Blonde was Marilyn, Sue was Grace Kelly.

Pepper continued, “You remember her little sister, Joanie.”

“Oh.”

Oh yeah. _Some Like It Hot_ , all right.

“Yes,” said Pepper, forcing calm into her breath and her voice, not dissimilar to habit taken up around her former boss.

“ _That one_ ,” said Tasha sourly. She really needed to find a way to keep the Storm kid away from her cars. Unfortunately, in order to do that, she would need to cut Reed out of her life, and that was as likely to happen as Pepper turning down Happy’s proposal – whenever the lovesick puppy finally got around to actually asking her. The pair were so disgusting adorable together, they had a chance at putting Reed and Sue to shame.

Tasha Stark was a futurist.

Reed Richards was the _future_.

No Reed? _Not happening_.

Unfortunately, Reed and _Co._ were a package deal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recced Sources:
> 
>  _Iron Man 2_ (2010)  
>  _Captain America: Civil War_ (2016)  
>  _Spider-Man: Homecoming_ (2017)  
>  _Fantastic Four_ (2005) [OK, this one, maybe not, but its Johnny Storm is absolutely delightful]  
>  _Ultimate Comics Spider-Man_ Vol 1 #9 [aaaaaaaaaand vice versa]


End file.
